Nelson at Trafalgar... Updated...

What if...  

Nelson was at Trafalgar in 2012???

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags.  What's the meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
Nelson (reading aloud): England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.'  What gobbledygook is this for God's sake?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir.  We're an equal opportunities employer now.  We had the devil's own job getting ‘England’ past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy.  Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir.  All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration.  Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral.  It’s part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy.  I suppose we'd better get on with it full speed ahead."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."
Nelson: "Damn it man!  We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history.  We must advance with all dispatch.  Report from the crow's nest, please."
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir.  No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations.  They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."
Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."
Nelson: "Wheelchair access?  I've never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir.  We have to provide a barrier- free environment for the differently abled."
Nelson: "Differently abled?  I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word.  I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did.  The Royal Navy is under- represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
Nelson: "Whatever next?  Give me full sail.  The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir.  Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats.  And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy.  Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What?  This is mutiny!"
Hardy: "It's not that, sir.  It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone.  There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board watching everyone like hawks."
Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No, sir!  The French and the Spanish are our European partners now.  According to the Common Fisheries Policy we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water.  We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir.  You'll be up on disciplinary report."
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King."
Hardy: "Not any more, sir.  We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.  Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules.  It could save your life"
Nelson: "Don't tell me - Health and Safety.  Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu!  And there's a ban on corporal punishment."
Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."
Nelson: "In that case................... Kiss me, Hardy."

h/t CP